I’ve seen several commercials for the upcoming theatrical release of a Paramount feature entitled “Nacho Libre.” I feel very strongly that this will be an unbearable movie.

One of the famous national dishes of Malaysia is “Nasi Lemak,” which comprises a boiled egg, chicken curry, coconut-infused rice, pickled vegetables, and icanbilis (they are like tiny anchovies). The idea of this dish is balance; it wouldn’t necessarily be enjoyable to make an entire meal of just of one of these items, but with a sampling of each, the whole becomes greater than its parts.

That famous U.S. Oympic hockey team was an example of this phenomenon, as is this year’s American World Cup Team. The Police could also qualify, depending on your opinion of Sting’s solo career.

“Napolean Dynamite” was the motion picture where the “whole > parts” idea was at its best. Uncle Rico, Kip, Napolean, and Pedro could all steal scenes; conversely, no single character would be bearable as the unflinching star of the show. The personas, which in small doses were comical and quotable, were ultimately grating.

So why do I think that Nacho Libre is going to suck incomparable ass? Because it’s going to be 100 minutes of Pedro-speak. And that, my friends, will be as pleasurable as eating a bowl full of salty fishies.