Pretty typical week here at LLC headquarters. Ninety-six hours ago, I wrecked the van on my way out of a Jiffy Lube and decided that the best possible thing I could do at that point was rent a silver Mitsubishi and hole up in Madison for a couple of days. The band recently discovered some long-lost kin living on the shores of Lake Monona, which seemed as good an excuse as any to get the F out of D for a while and pretend to Get My Life Back In Order Before I Have A Mariah Carey-Style Breakdown when, in fact, I really just wanted to get drunk in a wheelchair, which is for some reason easier to do in Madison than any other city we’ve been to so far.

So, long story short, the van’s being worked on and we’re all just sort of cooling our heels in and around the Great Lakes until Monday or so. I hope we don’t resort to cannibalism, as I haven’t exercised in a while and would probably be the first to go, as much for my helpless frailty as for the tenderness of my flanks.

Which means I’ll be going as an unprepared fugu this Halloween, just to be on the safe side.

“Gosh,” you’re thinking to yourself. “I wonder what it’s like to be a rock star!” Funny you should ask. Here’s a brief rundown of my last few days:

Wednesday:

5am – go to bed in Lancaster, PA

7:30am – wake up and drive to Philly

11:30am – set up gear

12:15pm – play show

2pm – break down gear

3pm – grab a cheesesteak at Jim’s on South St. (first meal of day)

4pm – take care of business from Kinko’s docking station while Misha double-parks

5pm – drive to Granville, OH

Thursday:

12:30am – arrive in Granville

2am – finally tear ourselves away from the good people in Granville

4am – arrive at our hotel in Mansfield

4:01am – pass the fuck out

9:30am – wake the fuck up

11:30am – play show

1:30pm – mail things at post office in Mansfield

2pm – drive to Chicago

7:30pm – arrive in Chicago

10:30pm – see movie

1:45am – search for something witty to say here

2am – ultimately fail

Tour still proceeding apace. We had a terrifying 45 minutes’ worth of van trouble in Muncie, but that has since passed and we are now between towns in Ohio dreaming of tonight’s hotel check-in and subsequent shower. People have implied that we are doing this because we love music: not so. We are in it solely for the free hand soap and shampoo.

Our next show’s in Muskingum, which people have been warning us about all week, so we’ve taken our flak jackets to a local tailor’s for re-fitting and are frantically looking for that collapsable chicken-wire dome we’ve always joked about. I for one got one of the best sleeps of my adult life last night up at an organic commune that I’d tell you more about but have been sworn to so much secrecy over that I’ve probably already said too much.

And also, just because there’s been absolutely no narrative consistency to this posting, I’d like to sincerely thank all the people we’ve met on the road who have actually heard of us since way back when and driven more than 20 minutes to see us shake our speechwriting asses in some dimly lit cafeteria and sing along whenever we get the lyrics to a given verse right. You have no idea how cool that is for us. Or maybe you do, because our moms are secretly paying you to come out.

Either way, you’re good kids, all of you. Thanks.