There’s a lot of pressure to write something compelling when it’s the first thing that’s ever going to grace your own legal name dot com, so forgive me if I suddenly burst into tears and start mashing at the keyboard in frustration. I’ve been sitting here for upwards of fifteen minutes, staring at my laptop like it was some sort of chastity belt for the mind, and nothing seems to be happening. If inspiration has struck, it has done so elsewhere.

So I guess I’ll start off by explaining why I gathered you all here today. For those of you just joining the program, my name is Dave. I am lucky enough to count myself among the founding members of Speechwriters LLC, arguably the greatest band of all time. Among its many other pursuits, the LLC is presently waist-deep in preproduction for what should be, as one would expect, the greatest album of all time.

This is clearly good news for everyone.

However: there is a downside. An album of such earth-shattering magnitude takes a while to finish, especially when one of the core band members is enrolled as a full time college student and another works at a desk job 1,200 miles away.

Naturally, something needs to be done in the interim, or our existing fanbase will get mad and swear us off forever. We’re not exactly MBAs, Misha and I, but we do understand that this is a less-than-ideal situation and have taken great pains to keep it from happening.

It is therefore with much fanfare and intensity that I give you this, your first veiled peek at the highly-anticipated new full-length release from Speechwriters LLC:

It is, as the title would seem to indicate, a solo album, and this is, as such, a solo site. The LLC proper is still doing fantastically well, with no plans for ever slowing down or splintering off into twin factions of resentment, bile, and screened phone calls, a la Jay Farrar and Jeff Tweedy. This is simply “an album I had in me,” and we as a band have decided that I should have it excised as soon as possible so you’ll all have something to play with during the long months ahead.

So that’s pretty much that. It looks like it’s going to be a nine-track LP, in stores everywhere in time for Valentine’s Day 2004 and the subsequent shitstorm of anguish and desperation we’ve all tentatively pencilled in for the weeks that follow. I’m going to go ahead and make the ridiculous promise that there will be new samples and demos posted every three weeks until said LP is finished, starting with this week’s batch of early demos and getting exponentially better as the H-hour of D-day approaches.

So thanks for stopping by, and don’t worry about trying to steal or break anything, as it’s all been nailed or glued down in anticipation of your arrival.

Cheers,

Dave

“Whoops.”

Hi guys. Dave here with another one of SWLLC’s seemingly hourly Formal Apologies.

Something went screwy with our email about three months ago, and our server (the same one that was, as you may recall, spirited away to Cuba back in early ’02) apparently decided that it was going to keep something like 50% of our incoming messages for itself, presumably to read over with a nice glass of sherry after everyone else had gone home.

We know nothing of its motives and are keeping an open mind, but I will let you know, off the record, that I personally suspect foul play.

Anyways, I used to be the global network administrator for a consulting firm that spanned five continents, so it only took me one calendar “season” to figure out what was going on. Which I finally did, just now, and I’m pretty sure I fixed it.

But holy hell, guys. I feel like a jerk, times twenty. This was staggeringly unprofessional and entirely my fault, so I will provide anyone who’s interested with handwritten directions to both my head and the nearest knife-pike-platter store, where you can even get something nice for yourself and put the whole thing on my tab. Otherwise, there are about a thousand of you who will be hearing from us personally in the next couple of days, so get ready.

Sorry about that,

Dave

UPDATE: OK, it turns out things weren’t nearly as bad as they initially seemed, so I still apologize but would like to take back the part where I said I would pay for you to cut off my head. Thanks.

Things found while looking for work, Volume 1

Make Up Artist Needed (for Werewolf)

Date: 2003-08-24, 11:29PM

I am looking for a make up artist who can transform me into a Werewolf. I am planning ahead for Halloween. Torn closes, hairy, bloody, the whole bit. Interested in the older Werewolves, 60’s 70’s , not the “American Werewolf in London” type. Dress rehearsal prior to Halloween a must. Please email me with interest and cost, remember you will be doing it twice, once for a dress rehearsal prior to Halloween and the day/ late afternoon of Halloween. Must be available for make up on Halloween.

Note: I live in Tacoma.